The Grind of Healing

I need some sort of a mantra or perhaps a set of them.  Healing from a surgery is always difficult for me at this stage.  I’m past the initial couple of weeks, when to be honest, I think adreneline sort of kicks in and helps you get through.  But this stage is sort of flat.  I’m still dealing with post-op pain, can’t figure out how to sleep with my “new” neck, ie with the fusion of C4-C5 and that’s been more of an adjustment than I would have thought.  To be honest, everything happened so quickly with the surgeries that I wasn’t really prepared for the recovery period and what to expect.  So, I’ve yet to hit a time when I’m feeling really good, though I’ve been trying to put on a good face for most people.  I think Steven really knows I’m having a difficult time, though we’ve not talked too much.  He gave up literally his entire month in January just so I could get medical treatment and I know he’s “medicaled out” so I’ve tried not to make tons of conversation about it, though it’s almost impossible to avoid the topic.  So, I’m back to the mantras, something I can recite to myself to get me through the times when I’m feeling depressed or drained or in pain or all of the above.  Something to get me through this recovery time and on to the next phase, which will be 3-6 weeks away.  I don’t know what I want to be doing, seems like something other than what I am, though.  I’m trying to remember that the most important thing I can do right now is to allow my body to heal as much as possible and recover from the surgeries.

I want to say both to myself and anyone else who reads this that despite my complaining and struggling through this time, I’m SO incredibly grateful that I was able to have the surgeries!  I know that it was literally a miracle that it all happened and I have had SO many people praying and physically working on my behalf to make those surgeries happen (special thanks to Anne, my dr and Sheila, part of her team, without whose epic amount of work, those surgeries wouldn’t have happened).  I’ve been wondering lately if over my life I’ve done things for other people that in the Universal flow of things somehow have come round to bless me with so many wonderful people who have been willing to help me, or if I have years and years ahead of finding ways to pay back good things to others for all that’s been done for me.  I hope, to be honest, that it’s some of both…though I have no idea at this point how I could do that.  But those thoughts need to be saved for a later time in order to preserve current emotions which have been a bit internally volatile (understatement).

So back to my mantras.  What could those be?  I will get through this.  I will heal from these surgeries.  This healing period will pass. It’s just a few more weeks.  It’s OK to feel emotionally variable through this time.  The pain will ease.  My body will acclimate to the new changes that have been made in my body.  These changes will be good and will help.  My TBM has been more manageable for the past couple of weeks.  My HA isn’t better yet, but we have time and the new meds on our side to try to help that.  It will be interesting to see how the Diamox will help with the Intracranial Hypertension which may help the HA.  I have friends and family who are helping and supporting me through this time.  With my drs’ help, we’ll figure out how to deal with the nightly horrendous, gut wrenching, waking up in tears nightmares that happen EVERY night.  And somehow, with their help, we’ll figure out how to get that better.

I guess that’s enough pressure let out of me for now and maybe a few good thoughts to hang onto in the midst of this lull that’s hard to get through.  Problem is, no matter how much help I have, it’s still me that has to live out every minute of every day and that’s a daunting prospect.  But I’ll do my best to not look ahead to that and just focus on now and let the future be just that…the future.

Deep breath, and sigh.

Good night.  I really hope it is one. 🙂